17 year olds will be the death of me.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
