I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize