Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
