And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
