What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
