i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
