I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
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