just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
