would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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