i just had sex bonerless
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
