The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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