Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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