I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
