Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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