i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
