I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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