I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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