May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
