Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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