if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
