I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
