Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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