SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I will be naked everywhere
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
