If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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