yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
