I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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