im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Sorry my hands just texted you
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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