i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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