theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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