we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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