I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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