she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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