if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
