You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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