Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
where are you?
Hypothermia
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
