I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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