FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
