Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
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