Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
