then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
