My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
