ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
