If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
