You're so nebulous sometimes
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize