The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
