I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
