At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
