If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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