just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
