I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
