i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
