wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
