If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
