Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
