I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
