How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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