Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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