The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
