the new term for farting is butt boxing.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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