I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
