I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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