Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
