Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I think pants incapable of making pants work
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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